What to do when someone dies — the first week.

We're sorry you're here. Nothing on this page is urgent except the first two lines. Truly. Do these in roughly this order, and let everything else wait. Eat something. Let one call go to voicemail. "I don't know yet" is a complete answer.

Today

1. Get a legal pronouncement of death. If they died at home and it was expected — hospice, a long illness — call the hospice nurse or their doctor. If it was unexpected, call 911. If they died in a hospital or care facility, the staff handle this.
2. Call the person in charge. If there's a will, it names someone (the executor). If there isn't, it's usually the spouse or an adult child. Then call the funeral home, if one was chosen; if not, this can wait until tomorrow. Ask one person to make the rest of the calls for you.

That's today. Everything below is for when you can.

The first day or two

3. Choose a funeral home, or confirm the one they named. You are allowed to call two or three and ask for prices — they are required by law to give you an itemized price list. You are also allowed to bring your own urn or casket (more on that below).
4. Ask the funeral home to order ten certified death certificates. Every bank, insurer, pension and agency will want its own. Ten sounds like a lot; it isn't. Ordering later means a second trip.
5. Find the will. Look where they kept important papers. If it's in a safe-deposit box, don't open it alone — ask the bank what they need. If there's no will, that's all right; the courts have a process, and the person in charge can ask a lawyer later.
6. Secure the home, the car and the pets. Lock up, take valuables somewhere safe, make sure animals are fed and have somewhere to go. Ask the post office to hold or forward the mail.

The first week

7. Notify their employer. Ask about final pay, unused vacation, benefits and any life insurance through work.
8. Report the death to Social Security (the funeral home often does this — ask). Payments received after the date of death usually have to be returned, so don't spend that month's deposit.
9. Call pensions and life insurance companies. You'll need a death certificate for each. Ask what forms they need and write down who you spoke to.
10. Keep the essential bills paid — mortgage or rent, utilities, home and car insurance. Cancel nothing else yet; some accounts have benefits or refunds that are easier to claim while they're open.
11. Write the obituary, if you want one. Five lines is enough: who they were, who they loved, when the service is, where to send flowers or donations instead. The funeral home can place it.

What can wait

The house. The car. The subscriptions. Their phone. Their clothes. The estate. Social media. All of it will still be there in a month, and most of it is easier with a death certificate in hand and a clear head. If someone tells you something must be done this week, ask them why.

Choosing an urn — and what the funeral home may not tell you

If the plan is cremation, you'll be shown a catalog of urns. The same ceramic or metal urn that's $250 in the showroom is often $50–90 online. Under the federal Funeral Rule, a funeral home has to accept a casket you bought elsewhere and can't charge you a fee for it; in practice, nearly all of them will place the ashes in an urn you provide, too. You don't have to decide the day of the service — ashes are usually returned in a simple temporary container, and you can choose the urn in your own time.

Sizing is simple: one pound of body weight needs about one cubic inch, so a full adult urn is around 200 cubic inches. A keepsake urn or a pendant holds a small share, so more than one person can keep a little.

One notebook

Every call, every name, every date, every case number. You will not remember, and nobody expects you to. Keep the death certificates in the back of it. That notebook is the whole system for the first month.